Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
