I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
