we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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