I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
