I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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