3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
