Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Randomize
