a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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