I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
