All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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