Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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