i think i have two assholes
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
