don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
