God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
