your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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