i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
