you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
