You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
