i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
