yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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