So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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