I faked an abortion last night.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
There r osticjed everywhere
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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