Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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