ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize