I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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