My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
