that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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