everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize