hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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