I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
