Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
In America we eat man semen.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
