They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
