Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
