gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
