I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
