Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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