i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
