I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I accidentally burped into my bong.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
