when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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