respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize