The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
