I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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