Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
