I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
