What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
