Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize