Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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