I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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