oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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