bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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