If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
His hands were made for my vagina.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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