By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
