One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
