I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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