Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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