I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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