i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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