I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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