no, he came in my armpit
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
