So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
