It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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