She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
